dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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