Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
