have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
