sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Randomize
