I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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