Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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