I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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