God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
two words...techno handjob
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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