ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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