she was so not down for the gang bang
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
