Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
they're like a gay fantastic four
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
