i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
