I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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