apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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