Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
