oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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