I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
