I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
