omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
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