My sheets look like a crime scene.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
