so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
