Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just found puke in my bra..
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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