420 ftw
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
My dick has a subreddit
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
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