so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex