Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
