please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
