so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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