you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
