In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
