somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
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She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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