it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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