I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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