I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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