EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
