white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
