Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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