The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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