Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
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