i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
