Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
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