I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
