we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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