pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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