does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just made out with a guy for $7.
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
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