I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
