FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
