oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
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Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
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I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
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