three words: i give head
three words: not that well
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
