Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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