You're my little dorito
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
