she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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