I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm both gender and math confused
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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