i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
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