I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
