i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
