How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
