my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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