Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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